It's Like an Earthquake.

There's so much going on. A quick wrap up ; not going to The Higher show, Ms. Fig being the meanest person I have ever been presented with, too much schoolwork, only two weeks left, a good Friday night, not going to Prom, people creating complicated situations, and not being able to wrap my head around a million different things.

I really hope some things mean as much to you as they do to me. Sometimes I just don't know what to think. I can't not care. That's all.

Have fun tonight.

I've kind of run out of things to say.

Sorry.

Keep It Simple.

I think we're a little more than what you say. Maybe this summer has a little more potential than I'd like to admit, but I still don't know whether to stay or go. There's just like a million little questions I can't answer, and just have to leave to the Magic 8 Ball. Because, yeah, I'm in a little over my head, but sometimes things are out of your control. Sometimes it's best to let go and let your heart do the deciding. 

Tomarrow should be rather interesting. I just don't understand why I do things. But I guess that's life. Maybe I'm doing the right thing, or maybe I'm being irrationally hopeful, but I'm done holding back. 

The End, For Now.

But That's What They Say.

So, today didn't start out so grand, to be completely honest. I was awake pretty much all night. I was really upset most of the day. I don't know. Sometimes I don't care, but sometimes I'm just outraged. And it happens. But whatever. It was just one of those moment when it became clear who really matters. And certain people just can't matter anymore. That's all. 

Thanks for coming by. I appreciate it. I miss you, still. 

Sorry about today. I suck.

I went to the Andy Warhol exhibit at the Art Museum today. It was definitely one of the top five most amazing things I have ever seen. It's hard to explain. But as cliche as it sounds, I feel like it was one of those defining moments this year. It kind of made me realize, a whole lot at once. 

Three day weekend is a good thing. Tomarrow better be good. 

We'll see. 

We always do.

And Just For The Record.

I hope everyone had an awesome Friday night forgetting about me.

Because clearly I don't mean half as much to anyone as they do to me.

I Must Be A Book.

Being so easy to read. I don't get how I can be figured out so easily. I really am rather simple. I wonder if the world is exactly like me, or I'm just way less complicated than I should be. It seems everyone has a trick up their sleeve but me. But there's three weeks to go. 

Three weeks and the summer air is here. This summer is ours. I can't wait, I really can't. And so what if my heart is in my socks? You mean the world to me. More than anyone. I just can't figure out where I belong in this. But I have to belong somewhere, right? 

Today I wore my new dress. Yeah, I thought I was gonna look like a champion, but I was just a girl in a dress. And that's okay. Today I realized how right you really are. This isn't how it's supposed to be. And I'm not putting myself in a position to be as involved as you think I am, but I'm trying to get through and fix this. And it's frustrating. And I'm sorry for being horrible sometimes. I really am. 

Sometimes reality is just too frustrating. Do you know what I mean? I'm losing my words. I'm just hoping hoping hoping for the summer I've been waiting all year for. And I'm hoping everything will fall into place.

I really wish I could sing. 

Then maybe people would know what I mean.

But for now, I'll just

write

write

write.

Sorry.

Not A Mind Reader.

So maybe I'm breaking rules and habits and just making this all up as I go. But that's okay. I have a low gravitational pull, crooked smile and an alright taste in music. Maybe I meet some pretty low standard, but that's alright. This has got to count for something, right? I have to be doing something right, right? This can't be a complete waste, can it? I can't be a complete waste, can I? 

I believe in you. I really do. And I care too much. I can't even try to pretend I don't. Sorry. And I can't help it. I can't figure anything out. Yes, I'm really sure. I miss you. 

And maybe some things aren't what you think. Maybe nothing is what we think. Because I know you think you've got me all figured out, but I can't figure anything out. 

Tomarrow I'm wearing my new dress. I don't care what anyone says. I need a day to feel on top of the world. I need to be on top of the world. I want to look down and know that this feeling is in the air. And maybe I want you there with me. Because I need my summer where no one can touch me. I know what I want and what I don't want. I'm not difficult. So, so what if I'm hopelessly hopeful? So what if I want to put it all on the line for the things that I know? I'm okay with it. 

I believe in you. 

^^Doesn't make much sense. My sincerest apologies.^^

Nothing.

Why does it seem I am never satisfied with anything? Everyone is the star in this theatrical performance that they think is their lives. Feel free to insert a monologue or musical number wherever necessary. I don't want this to be about me. This will always be about you. In your own eyes, every moment is your time to shine. You can't make everyone happy, it's your duty to put yourself first. It's not selfish, it's priorities. It's human nature. 

I don't get why I just can't get happy. The complications I want don't show up. The ones I'm avoiding always seem to find me. What is the deal?

Wednesday is the middle of the week. I'm not a big fan of Thursday so tomarrow should be interesting. 

I don't know. I feel like a large quantity of explosives. I just need something to set me off for things to get wonderful. Otherwise, I'm just a bothersome heap of dynamite. 

Alright.

Do You Have Secrets in Your Shoes?

The History Channel makes me realize how temporary everything is. How all our problems are so miniscule. The history books don't write about George Washington's girl problems when he was in high school. Or how Abe Lincoln was anti-social. Hitler smelled funny and never got married. These are all tiny little details in the story of our lives. No one will find these important unless someone writes a biography. Which is okay.

Today was strange. I have bad priorities, but I'm getting better. But that's good for the rest of the world. As far as I'm concerned, I'm nobody's priority. Which is okay. I care so much about everything, I'm forcing myself into apathy. Which is okay. Tuesday is nobody's favourite day. Which is okay.

Give your new horizons a chance. 

Happy Birthday.

I'm such a sucker for heartwarming stories, cynicism and certain folk.

Which is okay.

A Less Than Worthy Memoir.

You can't please everyone. Really. I mean, sure, you can try. But it's just not possible. And that's just fine. Sometimes you have to make choices. You know?

Mondays are never really eventful. Just trying to get things together, figure everything out. But, hey, that's life for you. Tomarrow is Tuesday, and I'm still debating what day to wear my new dress, which sounds way lamer typed out that it does when I think about it. Sorry about that. School is slowing down, quite a bit, which is nice. The summer sounds so futuristic, but it feels so close, it's amazing. 

+The new song by The Higher, It's Only Natural, is rather fun. Just throwing that out there. 

Come to think of it, I'm rather doubtful of the fact that anyone would care what I write in here. Oh, well. I'm not too sure how important I am to anyone. Whatever.

Have a wonderful Monday.

And a wonderful Tuesday.

And birthday, tomarrow, if you happen to be reading this, mister.

S a n t i .

Heart on a Hook, Thrown Out to the Sea.

Sometimes I really just do not understand the universe. I seriously feel so sick right now. It's a collaborations of bad dreams, secret fears, and everything I've ever been trying to avoid. I just turn into a wreck sometimes. I don't understand it. I mean, this is just high school, why is everything so important? Like, maybe no one will care after this. Maybe this is the best part of my life and it sucks. 

It seems like no one ever means what they say. No matter how important it may be to anyone. Why is sincerity so difficult? And how come everything horrible seems to come at once? I don't even know what to say to anyone. 

Oh, and if you have a chance, take a look at the last postsecret on postsecrets.com this week. It was pretty much my breaking point of the day.

I really shouldn't post blogs when I'm upset.

It's dumb.

Don't Be So Glum.

Well, it's Friday. I should be happy the week is over, but I'm not really. All the days just seem to be blending together. But that's redundant, really.

Like, nothing really is too bad. I mean, sure, literally nothing is perfect. Like, I suck at school, don't have any direction in life, and am kind of losing it. I've been thinking about falling in love a lot, which is way cliche. Like, what if I waste away my life and grow up and nothing good happens. It freaks me out, so bad. I want good things. I want happiness and stuff. Because so far, everything is kind of mediocre. As horrible as that sounds. Shoot.

I don't know. I have a million things to say and can't work up the nerve to tell anyone. Which kind of sucks. But whatever. Things are bound to look up, right? I don't feel very hopeful. Sorry for being such a Friday night downer. I get the lame award for the day. Sorry. Sorry.

Have a good one.

Thursday Chronicles.

Hello. Ciao. Bonjour. Hola.

Everything's been pretty average today, not a lot to say. I'm kind of a shape shifter these days. Trying to turn into whatever anyone wants me to be. Trying to make everyone happy. As if it's a possible task to accomplish. I do what I can. Which is more than I can say for a lot of people. 

Feeling pretty cheery, I'm not quite sure why. I don't have a lot to be happy or sad about. I'm kind of in the middle ground. It's rather peculiar, really. Because there's a million things that could go right or wrong at any moment, but I'm kind of the grey space in between. And for now, that's just fine. I'm ready for summer. Nothing too complicated. Four weeks until this sophomore slump is done. I'm rather infatuated with the season, sorry for being a tad obsessive. I can just tell things will be wonderful. It'll all be worth it, I swear. Well, I surely hope so. Keep it simple. 

Going to see Love of Three Oranges with Amanda in a bit. Should be entertaining. I really should get cracking on some makeup assignments for Algebra Two, but tetris is much more exciting. 

I really doubt anyone reads this blog, come to think of it. 

Sorry. 

A Parachute.

Wednesday. Half way through the week, the peak of the week. Stuck in the middle. Because you can never really turn back. Because the week is kind of a one-way road. Life is kind of a one way road, with a million little forks along the way. This or that. Him or her. No reset button, unless you're willing to commit to going back to square one. It's like being on the top of the world and looking out at everything and anything. Because the universe is so big. Because how significant can you be if you can't be seen from a satellite? It's refreshing. 

I don't really have any idea what the future holds anymore. And I'm so excited. This is going to be a brilliant summer. I can feel it. Four more weeks. I can't wait.

And just for the record, 

this may just be useless. 

Live Long and Prosper.

Star Trek = Success.

Things have been strange lately, trying to fix relationships, do well in school, enjoy the end of Sophomore year, keep up what's good, you know? It's just a challenge. But hey, that's life. Summer is five weeks away and I can feel it. Bright nights, sunshine, summer hair, I can't wait. I can tell this is going to be a good summer. I can feel it in my bones. If you could bottle that summer feeling and sell it, I'd buy it for a million dollars, I swear. I just can't wait for things to be perfect. Because the summer tends to do that to things. You know what I mean? Lovely. 

It's a Saturday night, and so far I have no plans. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Right now everything is just sort of messy. Like situations and direct quotations. Messy. I don't know what to say or how to react to anyone or anything. I don't know.

Lovelylovelylovely.

Strangers.

There are so many people on Earth. So many people we'll never meet, never know of, never care about, just because they're so far away, unaccessible, unavailable. It doesn't make us bad people. It just shows how limited we all really are. Because no one could ever manage to know EVERYONE. That's just not possible. Some things just aren't possible. But there are those strangers that you see around, but never really get to know. And there are those strangers you see once. But you know those strangers that kind catch your eyes and just captivate you? The kind you can't take your eye off, the ones that make conscience of your breathing. Those are the ones worth remembering. The kind that you see the same place you go ever day, but have never seen before. That you hope you see tomarrow. I found my stranger.

Just some thoughts. 

Today is turning out to be rather disappointing.

I'm Talking About.

That. Yes, sir. True story. 

At this particular moment in time, everything is blurry. Life is pretty unclear, and I don't really mind. I'm just kind of feeling my way around, taking it one step at a time to get wherever it I'm going. Watching things come and go. It's a wonder. Just stumbling around trying to make sense of shapes. That's life.

Two doctour's appointments in two days. Dealing with everyone but myself, it's good. Oh, and the weather is pretty chaotic. It's really warm, but breezy, and rather cloudy, like it could rain. I hope it rains. 

I really don't know where to go at this point. I wish it was Friday. Pizza Friday, that is. I'm donezo with this week. Tomarrow will be good because there is Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty, and I have a thing for TV dramas. How sad. Oh well.

Happy Wed-Nes-Day, indeed.

Maybe it's in the air.

I seriously don't know anything at all. If you go through every single piece of information that you've been lead to believe is true and attempt to contradict it, nothing is true. There is no proof of anything. This could be a dream. Seriously, at this particular moment in time, I can't even manage to connect my thought with words well enough to say what I mean. And attempts are a sloppy mess. Seriously, I'm so busy holding things together, that I'm leaving other doors wide open that really do belong shut. I can't figure anything out right now. Apathy sounds like a completely different universe right now, I'm so caught up in caring about everything, it's a shame. I really do need a ticket for the next plane ride to anywhere but here. I don't even know where to start. Or end. This is way too much.

High school is a J O K E !

I need to flip the switch.

I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT DAY, IF YOU'RE READING THIS.

I better have a damn terrific Tuesday,

or I think I just might die.

I've Come To Realize

That the the things I'm alright at are ;

-Listening.

-Hiding. 

-Watching. 

-Writing.

-Thinking.

Funny how that works.