If There Only Were Doors.

Today I came to a few conclusions. 

One would be that I might not get what I want. And it scares me more than anything in the world because when I think of it I can feel my heart in my socks and my stomach in knots and know that it could be right around the corner if I don't prepare. And even then I might not be good enough. And if you're not good enough to get what you want, what are you good enough for? I'm too young to settle for less, aren't I?

Another would be that hating people is a lot easier than forgetting them. Because it's a lot easier to replace feelings rather than drop them completely. 

Isn't is crazy how someone can catch your eye and to them you're just a face in a crowd? How invisibility is a characteristic we can choose as much as it is given to us based on our appearance and persona. Gee whiz.

I need to stop thinking.

Your Shoes.

"What you work hard for may become the sweetest thing in life."

I guess this year I'm going to try in school. I'm going to work hard to get what I want. Which is much easier said than done, but sometimes it doesn't matter, right? Because my hard work will pay off, won't it? I wish I was more sure of myself.

If you know what you want you go and you find and you get it, though, right? Things seem to be looking up, but I'm afraid to be too hopeful and let myself down. Because what's the point of that?

It's the worst feeling in the world.

But in the meantime, I'm forgetting the things that have been holding me back and trying to get where I want to be, because isn't that what life is about? Going places. Moving mountains and painting the town. That's what it's about. I swear I'm gonna do something big this year. But don't take my word for it. In six months I might be eating  my words.

But, for now, good day, sir.

Nevermind.

How do you get what you want if you're pretty sure you can't have it? It's scary. When you want something so much you'll do anything for it. If you want something so much, it's scary. Not to be confused with lust. Just wanting something so bad that if at any moment you had a chance for it, you'd jump on it no matter what. When time isn't even a sense anymore, you'll do anything to get what you want. And nothing can make you think you want it any less. As though life could end without it. And you can't forget it. It's a crazy burning desire inside of you that you can't let go of. Ever. 

This is too much crazy for one entry.

Don't mind me.

Going Crazy.

Things are alright. I wish I could say exactly what I mean sometimes, but everyone takes things so personally sometimes. It's really nothing personal, I swear. I'm getting over some things and people, and really getting excited for the next year. It's so ridiculous. I'm really hopeful.

Dying and cutting my hair in a week. I'm excited. I figure I'm making changes for the better, right? Because getting to be where I want can't be a bad thing, right? Because really, it's not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. I've stopped biting my nails, I'm getting rid of some things, turning a year older, starting a new school year and opening my mind. I'm tired of people telling me I've changed for the worse. Because this is my youth, and it's about moving forward, not going back. You can't live in the past forever. Especially when you've got so much life left to live. It's time for change, after all.

This next week or so is going to be good, I've got a good feeling. I really hope I'm right about this. 

Concept.

Photographs are such a wonderful thing. Looking through photos I have makes me realize this might be all I have to remember someone by. A moment of our lives captured onto a piece of paper, to look at for the rest of our lives. Capturing our youth into a photograph, that we can use to reminisce and remember all the things we did. How happy we are right now, with no worries or anything of the sort. It just amazes me how much a single photograph can tell. A picture is worth a thousand words, right? Holding up a small contraption, pressing a button, and there you have it, your own little memory, to hold in your hands forever. It's such a curious things. Not exactly the mechanics of the whole thing, just the concept. It's a wonder.

So, I've stopped biting my nails, my room is almost cleaned out, and I'm this close to picking out a colour for my room. Who knew there were so many shades of yellow? I'm digging my colour schemes so far, primary colours, not that anyone reads this. I'm just really excited for it to be done. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I tend to do that sometimes.

Strange things tend to happen. 

Oh, and I really wish my best friend was in town for her birthday. Gee whiz.

Looking.

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be, and you're only as small as the world will make you seem."

I'm really starting to open my mind. I feel like redecorating and my birthday and the new school year a good starts for big things. I hope. I really truly hope so. 

But I don't really have a chance sometimes. My mother tells me to get motivated, but I don't know what to use as motivation. How do you get started without a push? I just have so much going on in my head. I'm trying to get going, because I need it, I need to motivate myself to do something or anything for that matter, because I feel like I'm running in place right now. 

Not to say that I'm not happy. Because really, I have people that make me happy, and I have things to look forward to, I just feel like I need to get going. I need something, or someone to give me that first push. And I feel like I'm getting on this really late in my life, even though I'm still young. I feel like everyone is going going going on their way to somewhere and I'm still at the starting line waiting for it all to begin. 

I feel like anything could be the start of something wonderful. Like an eclipse or an epiphany or a bold dream or a person or anything. Because I've got my whole life ahead of me. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, right?

Daydreaming and being a smartass is going to get me in a whole lot of trouble one day, I swear.

Here.

"My backbone is paper thin."

I'm emptying out my room, which is quite appropriate for the current state of mind I'm in. I guess I'm emptying out my brain too, to an extent. Taking everything out, analyzing it, and either keeping it or discarding it and accepting how it will affect everything, and the effect it will have. Because I can only sift through the same things for so long. This could be the shift.

I hate how with some people I fall for the same tricks I always have. Keeping me out of the loop, so everything just gets tangled. The inside of my mind is just knots of string and electrical cords. I'm like a robot. I wish I could just say what I mean. Take it or leave it. But I can't. I really wish there was an easy solution to everything. But that will never happen.

I don't know why I'm keeping to myself so much, lately. Sorry. I just don't know what to do. 

I need an epiphany.

Stop.

"You said you loved me, and I kind of believed that."

I guess some things are just hard to come to terms with. Sorry. I wish you didn't have to leave for your birthday. I am sorry, can't we just do something together? It's our birthdays, not my birthday. And it's just hard having your two best friends in a relationship. It's hard to explain. But nothing's the same as if you're just with one or the other. Sorry, that's just how the cookie crumbled.

Things have changed so much this year. Friends and things. And how you can say one thing and mean another, it's just scary. I don't know if I'm happy now. Or happier, I should say. Time isn't stopping, and it's kind of scary. Forever is a long time. Always is a big word. Things change. I never really know how to react to anything anymore. Things won't just stop changing.

It's strange how little we know. Like we think we know people and places and things, but compared to the universe, we know so little. And even then, we're unsure of things. If we're so unsure of the things we know, how do we really know anything for sure? I've came to the conclusion that I really don't know anything for sure. Because, honestly, you can question anything. It's a big world we've got here.

If you've got a question, ask it. If you've got something to say, say it. There's not a whole lot to lose anymore, really. But that makes me a hypocrite. Sorry.

It's Plain to See.

It's good to take things slow. Keep it simple. But don't forget what's important. Just don't get so caught up in everything. Because that's when you forget things. And nobody wants to be forgotten. It was never a competition, and it never will be. You've got to put in the effort to let people know they matter. Otherwise, they'll never know.

There's something about hearing a song for the first time that is really wonderful. It's like drinking really cold water on a hot day or seeing someone for the first time in a while. Not really knowing what you're getting into. It's good. Really good.

Nothing even matters anymore. I'm putting all my things in boxes to paint my room, and I'm making little changes and keeping my mind open. I feel like this could be the start of good things. Because maybe I still sleep with a night light and have a whole lot more sarcasm than necessary, but I'm trying, which is more than I can say for a whole lot of other people. Like you.

And just for the record, if it was me, I'd put my friends before my relationship. Because friends are the people who are supposed to be there forever, right? And just because I'm going to be here for you always, doesn't mean it's okay to blow me off and neglect me. 

PS; I don't even think I'm excited for Warped Tour anymore. I think I might just go alone, honestly. I don't wanna play stupid games with anyone. I'm going to that for myself, and no one else. Sorry, universe.

Sorry this is really jumping around and things. Don't take this the wrong way, but odds are, this isn't even directed at you. 

Maybe.

The first of the month. Twenty four days until school, and I'm so glad. I don't care what anyone says. This summer didn't live up to my expectations, by any means, and I think this could be the kind of thing I need. Because honestly, I think this summer has been pretty disappointing. Nobody has really lived up to the expectation I set for them for the last couple months. Maybe I'm letting myself down by setting these expectations for the people I surround myself with, but I was just so ready for school to end, and now I can't wait for the new school year to begin.

Everyone has their own things going on. Their own personal something. People have jobs or other people or each other or families or vacations or standards, and everyone has something, even multiple somethings, and I'm just sitting around waiting for my something. Because I do have some things, but not my something. Does that make sense?

For now I'm keeping to myself and the things I like and trying to not really let anything else bother me, trying to expand my horizons and things. Everyone is really judgmental and hypocritical and disappointing, so why bother? The world is quite a big place, after all.